haha meadowphoenix, I read it all & thought it was all very on-point! You are under no obligation to wait until he’s ready to do something, especially if that’s causing you upset. I’ll get to the internal “yup, if this conversation doesn’t work out, I’m breaking up with gf” feeling before actually discussing the issue with gf. For you maybe (and I mean I grew up this way as well) saying I love you was normal. You feel like you aren’t appreciated enough. There doesn’t seem to be any compromising going on here – it seems he’s free to be a passive-aggressive thoughtless asshole and your point of view, preferences, and requests are beside the point. If he does things that show that he loves you, you might have to accept that as being just as good. We don’t live together, but it still kind of bothered me because I was like, “well, what the fuck am I doing tonight? She said he doesn’t do anything considerate for her, so I was wondering how he SHOWS that he loves her?? You may feel like that’s totally unfair, but take the time to acknowledge his feelings: “I’m sorry I embarrassed you.” Then you can explain your side: “I didn’t realize that would embarrass you. October 15, 2013, 10:14 am. And you’ll be all “omg, I love him so, I love you, I love everyone, hurray for love and hurray for saying “I love you” and isn’t life swell”! (so try this re Wendy’s advice) However, there is a caveat: the last guy I dated really put a lot of stock into being on time places and so I would try really really hard to be on time when we did things together because it stressed him out to be late. Sometimes my boyfriend and I say “don’t touch me” as a joke, but we’re both in on the joke. It drove me nuts and I was about ready to be dumb. That’s the big difference here. October 15, 2013, 12:45 pm, Oh, & I say “I love you” back & forth to my friends, too, in a familial getting-off-the-phone-now “love ya” kind of way. I think you need to be much more explicit in telling him how hurtful those words are and that it may be ok for him to treat his friends like that, but you aren’t his friend. It seemed like if you're someone who says it, you're saying it once a day. That’s the best way to figure out if it’s type c) teasing, because someone who just likes seeing you upset won’t care. Gf will ask me to do something on a fairly consistent basis (say, keep the counter clean so she can cook) and I’ll do it when she asks, but I won’t realize that this is a thing that she’d always like. And I am not big on I Love You’s. its that he is so inconsiderate. 2. Its not serious. 15. if you want to be in a long term relationship, you have to learn to live with another person. This is my biggest problem, and frankly the one thing on this list that might cause me to end the relationship. quixoticbeatnik Best to just do that behind people’s back. It’s like why enable me? We have a shared Google calendar for certain things – parties, movie dates, etc., and I try to be more flexible about spur of the moment type adventures. Just to be clear- I don’t think this guy is abusive based on what’s given here. The price of admission for this relationship is: And she knows the alternative is being blindsided by a breakup. He could laugh along with a sense of humor, or say that I have deeply insulted his looks and am not attracted to him. Well that’s just 50% of the equation. Idk. October 15, 2013, 12:26 pm. b) Social Fiction Teasing The late thing is.. meadowphoenix #3. The “mean joking” shouldn’t be a separate issue. I think my reaction is such because, IMO, it sounds like she’s tried to work through it and he’s not receptive. I had my arm around him, and we teased each other as he stumbled a bit drunkenly. 2. GatorGirl Like, I’d tell someone to lighten up if I playfully teased them about something tease-worthy. And I agree…it does depend on how often and what he says for teasing, but that also depends on my first paragraph if she should MOA or talk to him first. — Not a Teenager. Some cultures don’t think being “on-time” is even a thing. October 15, 2013, 11:55 am, Let’s pretend I’m giving him the full benefit of the doubt here. I see a world of difference. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected]. Liquid Luck So now they are at a point where either she “lightens up” and puts up with behaviors she doesn’t like, or they break up. Meet Shreyash - My boyfriend. And, I explained that to him. Because I just get it in my head that “we have to break up, we have to break up, this is too big an issue, it’ll never be resolved.” But then we talk about it and it’s fine. It’s enough for me to say that you should break up with him. I conjecture that LW is addressing the teasing in the moment, and her boyfriend always immediately stops teasing when she asks him to, but he doesn’t realize that it bothers her on a macro level. jlyfsh The street cleaners were gathering up the empty champagne bottles that littered the empty streets that glowed yellowish, like all the streetlights were full of fireflies. Express your adoration through sweet, cute, or romantic messages and show him the deepest emotions of your heart! His mother is very proud of him, even though she's not entirely sure what he does with his days. So a bunch of smaller conflicts might be too much to bear cumulatively. She does not. This could have been an easy one to get side tracked on or react based on personal preferences if that makes sense. 3) To me, there are at least 3 types of teasing But that tangent was about being “a complete ass under the guise of being funny.” Read the intro, Katie, get with the program, it was a tangent to a tangent, geez. However, If you do, then it means you might have fallen out of love with your boyfriend and you need to start figuring out what you have to do about the relationship. Your feelings are YOUR feelings. I was scared of hearing it as much as he was scared of saying it. But I wouldn’t advise moving in with someone (assuming you eventually want to get married or stay together indefinitely) with so many big question marks hanging over your relationship. And, if she doesn’t like it, then she absolutely shouldn’t stay with him. Your eyes are my favorite thing I’ve ever seen. That’s not going to be something you can change if you’ve already told him how you would prefer him to talk to you. After the third time he told me " it hurts me when you say you don't love me. If you see that your boyfriend hardly ever calls or messages you, and if he says he is too busy or tired to talk to you, it’s an indication that he has lost interest. isn’t that all we do here?! I’d drop my pants for that. October 15, 2013, 3:22 pm. but thats a different issue, im not actually late all time. Then, think about my questions at the end of this article… Don’t be afraid of admitting that your boyfriend or husband isn’t in love with you. if your bf constantly cancelled on you 30 minutes before you were scheduled to do something, or never even told you he made plans and expected you to go with 30 minutes notice (not just a one or two time oh sorry I forgot and thought i told you, but constantly) that isn’t just something to argue about. October 15, 2013, 12:04 pm. October 15, 2013, 3:22 pm, theattack That’s where it crosses a line. October 15, 2013, 11:04 am. But, I think that’s a separate issue. Whatever you do, don’t say “I love you” back if you don’t actually mean it. And sarcasm? I keep telling him to admit he’s only in it for the donuts. At least based on my own experience, this might have the better chance of actually affecting his behavior in the desired direction. Over the course of the weekend we spent together we would say it occasionally. We both new we were falling in love with each other and recently I told her "I love you". I felt like I could tell her anything about me or what was on my mind and I wouldn't be judged. Like do you need “I love you” or will “I love spending time with you” or “I really enjoyed doing this with you” or “I’m so happy you’re with me” work too? You tell him you are sad he won’t say it. The … I guess he could say I’m making fun of his career choice and be highly insulted, but he laughs, because its teasing. I know LW said she doesn’t want to MOA yet, but sometimes it’s better to cut your losses than continue to stay in a relationship where you’re miserable. And he seriously failed at informing me of his plans (dude went to Canada for a week and a half without telling me). October 15, 2013, 10:56 am. . October 15, 2013, 12:10 pm. And I think if people know that your BF is like that they will eventually “get it” that you are the one to arrange things and the administrator of the relationship. October 15, 2013, 10:18 am. Maturity is something that you can’t force. Thanks Addie! quixoticbeatnik You can be certain, though, that if you continue as you have been, he will never, ever change. However, we love each other very much, and show that in our actions and affection to each other daily. However we still draw hearts on each other, sharing our love just between us. In the end, though, people are the sum of their parts. It depends on the person. What he has done, though, is start seriously telling me good things he thinks and feels about me much more often. It hurts me. I have a hard time believing that everyone the BF knows is gaslighting the LW. Something to think about. October 15, 2013, 9:25 am. It was 4 a.m. on New Year’s Day, and we were walking through the streets of Rome back to the apartment we were borrowing near the Trevi Fountain. The rest, yeah, the teasing sounds juvenile. In responding to snarkymarc’s forum post, I just remembered that last time I got really upset about my dad, my bf got teary seeing my so upset and I looked up at him, me all sad and snot/red-faced from being upset, and said ‘crybaby.’ Someone else may read the first few things and be like, eh that’s my boyfriend and it doesn’t bother me at all that he’s always late or that he’s better at showing his love than saying it. Just tell him that beforehand. October 15, 2013, 10:07 am. October 15, 2013, 12:18 pm. Too far for some. If he does, then no offense, but his lateness is probably a control issue, and that’s a bad sign. I don’t want saying “I love you” to become perfunctory, like some obligation that must be endured like taking out the trash or watching the next season of American Horror Story. Not my wife, not my parents. So, I tell him. At least I’m not the only one! 8 Signs Your Boyfriend or Husband Doesn’t Love You Anymore. I know he actually likes me cause his friends tell me all the time I just don't know if this is weird or completely normal. IMO it sounds like your boyfriend has no regard for your time/plans/you. Eventually, after 3 years, he is far more comfortable expressing his feelings verbally. I guess my point here is that this type of teasing isn’t normal and personally I don’t think it’s acceptable. They would be for me since I see people who are chronically late as people who think their time is more important than others. It may sound passive aggressive (hell it may be passive aggressive) but at the same time it may be the only thing that makes him realize that there are consequences to behaving in a way that your partner doesn’t like. That’s just asking for unhappiness and it’s unfair to you AND to him. "I knew I was ready to say 'I love you' when saying 'I like you' just wasn't cutting it in my heart. And that sucked. Yeah, it took a while to have him break his bad habits (he still runs 5 minutes late to social plans, but can get to work on time now), but because he realized how inconsiderate he was of me, he made an effort to improve. It’s hard to tell frequency from the letter, but I can’t imagine anyone would call a person “loving” if they called them gross every time they went in for a kiss. I also use that as a “this is how I WON’T be treated” measuring stick going forward. This could be written about me too. Theattack First I am going to talk about the “what your ex boyfriend says” portion of the section and then I am going to go into the “what he really means” portion of the section and give an in-depth explanation of what your ex boyfriend really means when he says things to you. October 15, 2013, 11:17 am. Christy I think that was the point of Wendy’s first question though. Get in the habit of having something to read. This seems like a personality clash to me. 1. I think a lot of the issue in this letter are about personalities matching or clashing, and without actually seeing the LW and her boyfriend interact in person it’s hard to tell if he’s being an asshole or if she’s just not communicating her feelings clearly. Hard to say. It gets embarrassing for me, but most of his friends and family just accept it as “how he is.”, 3. I did not expect for him to know whether or not he wanted to marry me at that point, and I was fine with that. It’s possible that this LW’s boyfriend doesn’t realize she doesn’t want it to happen at all, rather than her just not being in the mood at the moment she asks. He's talked about getting married and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. This ended up being a reason we didn’t work out, not because he was a late person but because after I told him, when I tell my family we are doing dinner at 7 and you show up at 9 this is not okay, he never worked to changed it. i feel that way every time i say i generally am not a fan of theater, live music, or sarcasm. That’s something you need to think about and decide what’s more important. And then I realized that I was really the one with the problem. But once someone tells you it upsets them, isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do is just say it? MissDre Really great, practical advice Wendy, I love how you broke it all down. They just don’t know what else to say. lets_be_honest And then sometimes she’ll say something, only intending it to be a one-time thing, like “Don’t bite my lip, [it’s chapped]” and I’ll think it’s totally off-limits forever. I would tell her things started half an hour earlier than they really did and she was on time. 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